Speaker, writer, filmmaker, Ducatista, adventurer

Do not fear that cow in Queens

In business, as in life, never fear the free-ranging cow. Grab a rope, jump on a horse and harness that bitch. So say the rancher folks.

So, look, people of Queens, NY – I saw your cow running freely through the streets today. I saw your concern and I saw your fear firsthand on Twitter. Cows are not scary. They’re really pretty docile, except that one that chased me once when I was hauling hay. That was scary, but I do digress. And as a full disclosure, I live on a ranch with free-ranging animals, so I’m not that scared of cows, but do not like being chased by them. In fact, it’s downright terrifying when they chase you because they are big animals. Come to think of it, it’s scary when any animal chases you. A wiener dog chased me once and that was the scariest moment of my life.  Those little fuckers are fast and have sharp teeth and, sheesh… now that was terrifying.

So here are my rancher lady thoughts to get you through those moments of “Wild Animals Rampaging Through Queens.”

First of all, stop being scared. Cows do that. They run — especially when being chased by cop cars, cops, citizens and those on bikes. They are herd animals and do not like being chased. Cows like to hang out with other herd animals. So when there’s only one animal, it’s really scary for them. And it’s not nice. So stop doing that.

Also, breathe, y’all New Yorkers.

I don’t mean to be rude, but you chased your livestock all wrong. When you chase a cow because you’re scared, you scare the freakin’ cow and things get weird and the cow gets scared and it’s uncool. Like what happened today.

Also, as an aside, how the high holy hell did a cow get loose in Queens? Is this a New York thing now? RELEASE THE COW!

Couple things. First of all, I appreciate the beauty of such a gracious diversion during a period of strange Americana.  Second, I do apologize for being a snot. But come on, you guys. Learn how to wrangle livestock and for the love of God, stay calm. And keep ropes in your suburbs. This is required.

Lastly, (and I know this is a stretch here) if you are a startup, there are lessons about fear here. When something scares you, do not chase your fear like a lunatic in a cop car – and, frankly, do not chase it with a cop car at all. It will make everything worse and it seems dangerous.

Just do this: Grab your rope and go get shit done. Don’t wait for the cops to chase your cow like a bunch of wiener dogs.

Share on facebook
Share on google
Share on twitter
Share on linkedin
Share on pinterest